I have two good friends who are due for the first babies in the next few weeks. Which of course makes me think of Callie's birth and my journey since that fateful day.
It's a little funny to think back on it and remember what a wreck I was! We took so many classes. Most months we had at least one class that took up a whole day or weekend. Mostly because I was so freaked out about birth. I think largely because we don't normally talk about it, unless you are hearing horror stories. Or maybe those are just the ones that stick in our memories. For whatever reason, we don't talk about the process all that much unless you are about to go through it.
Looking back, I'm not sure that I would change what we did, I met an amazing teacher: Heather Ward who helped me tremendously. Seriously, if you are expecting, go to her website. She is amazing. She said something that really stuck with me. She was talking about when you've reached your limit with a newborn. The screaming won't stop. You're exhausted and you feel like you're going to snap. She said: "Put the baby down in a safe place, like a crib. Pour yourself a glass of wine and go outside for a few minutes. Scream at the top of your lungs if you need to. " The thing I remember the most is that she said "WHEN this happens. Not if. It will." It definitely scared me, that word: when. I am totally the person that would normally say "Nah, not me. I can handle it." But she wouldn't let me. And I am eternally grateful for that. It was one of the few times I could tell myself, I am not alone. Heather told me this would happen so its ok.
A class that I wish I would've taken but didn't was a class on baby massage. It might sound silly but it really helped Callie when she was colicky. Luckily I found a dvd at the library on the subject and a very generous friend, Megan, who came over to show me one on one how to do it.
I wish I would've taken fewer classes on the birth process. The classes that our midwives taught covered everything I needed to know, I just didn't realize it at the time!
The bottom line is, about-to-be mamas, you just need to surround yourself with a good team. I was so lucky that I had a dream team. I had my husband, my doula, Tara Gomez ,my midwife Bethany Monte and my mom. Oh ya, and Milo, my dog. He wouldn't leave my side the whole day. It was oddly comforting to have that warmth near my feet as I braced against each contraction. If you have people around you that you are second guessing, that you might feel embarrassed around (about gee I don't know...being really naked!), or that you just don't trust, your labor will be much longer and harder. I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to handle the pain or that my head would get in the way of what my body needed to do. Ends up I didn't need to worry. Sure birth is painful. But it is one day and it comes and goes. I had Bill and Tara there to hold my hand and tell me what to do and to make me eat.
Mamas: food is so important before you go to the hospital! Eat as many good carbs as you can when labor first starts. You won't feel like it later. In the later stages of labor, my favorite things to eat were honey sticks (they are amazing! the perfect burst of energy and very easy to eat) and high water content fruit like honeydew. I remember in the middle of the day Bill made me some gnocchi and it was really tough to eat but I am glad I did because I didn't really eat again until 2am when we were settled in our recovery room and I had almost passed out white as a ghost on the floor of the delivery room after losing too much blood.
Sleep. I really wish I had gone back to sleep after labor had started at 5am. But I was too excited. So if your labor starts in the middle of the night or early morning, get some more sleep because you are going to need all your energy. I remember in the midwives' class they said when labor starts in the middle of the night let your husband sleep. I'm pretty sure I rolled my eyes. I thought to myself, "What the hell? I have to feel contractions and water breaking and he gets to take a nap? Puhleaze." But they were right. You are going to be leaning on your partner, both literally and figuratively, more than you can imagine. You will be in probably the weakest state of mind of your entire life and you will need them at their best.
Stay home as long as you can. I am so glad I was able to labor most of my time at home, in my comfort zone. The minute you go into the hospital your stress level goes up and strangers are coming and going and you may have some make you feel about how long it is taking or that you're trying to avoid drugs and c sections. Obviously, the drawback at home is if you really want drugs you most likely won't have them there. And clearly, if you are struggling and you would feel better and safer in the hospital then GO!
When you get to the hospital, make friends with your nurses. Screw the doctor. He/she is going to come in at the very end of your labor, when the head is crowning, you know, when it is practically over. The nurses, however, are with you the whole time and you want them on your side. Our midwives had suggested bribery and we complied! We brought cakes and brownies baked by my amazing mom. We had amazing nurses and they were incredibly helpful and attentive and not pushy at all.
Also while in the hospital, make sure you pack some food/snacks for dad. When we got to our room at 2am we were both famished. Sure they bring meals for mama but nothing for dad, unless you want to pay. So we had lots of snacks in our hospital bag, I thought to get me through labor but it ended up being dinner for Bill. Also if you are going to have people visit you in the hospital ask them to bring a burrito or pizza or something for daddy. I will always remember when my mom was on her way to see us in the hospital, Bill called her and said "I will give you a million dollars if you bring me a burrito from Mondo Burrito." Poor guy was desperate!
And a word on visitors, you may want to limit it to the absolute minimum. You are going to be so tired and sore you might not feel like talking/seeing many people. Save the visits for when you get home and settled and you are more rested. Plus, you've got nurses coming in at all hours to check your bleeding, replace ice bags, work on breast feeding, give you medication and god knows what else.
Dads: rub her back if she is comfortable with it and don't be shy about it. However, some mamas in labor don't want to be touched at all and if that is the case, back away slowly. But in my case, I had nothing but back labor because Callie was facing backwards. It is the worst back pain I have every experienced. But Bill and Tara switched off grinding their fists and elbows into my lower back and it saved me. My midwife told me later that the location of my tattoo on my lower back was the perfect placement, she said it was like a bullseye! So spend some time BEFORE you go into labor figuring out what feels good and what doesn't. It is worth the time, especially for you dads so you don't get your head bitten off anymore than necessary:)
Take pictures. That was something that Tara did for us and I am so grateful. Some of my absolute favorite pictures are the ones she took just after Callie was born. When I want to hold on to that first feeling of meeting her I just look at the pictures. There was an amazing photo of Bill and I both looking at Callie for the first time and it will reduce me to tears everytime.
Sure there were a few in there that were not fit for public consumption, but that's ok. That's why we love digital, right? I'm not sure I would've liked having video but if you think you would, go for it.
But my most important piece of advice: let it go. Relax. Women's bodies have been doing this for, uh, well. Forever! We are literally built for it. You can do this. Stress will delay your labor and since the average for the first baby is 24 hours of labor, delay is not preferable:) You are strong enough and focused enough. You are amazing and your son or daughter is so lucky to have you for a mama.
