Sunday, June 13, 2010
Adventures in Nursing
To say that breastfeeding has been a challenge would be putting it lightly. The first days (while we were in the hospital) are kind of the epitome of this adventure. The first day it went perfectly. People were shocked we were taking to it so well. Then on Sunday, the day we were supposed to go home, it all fell apart. Which of course meant, I fell apart too. Part of the problem is that Callie has a super suck. Most of the nurses, doctors, midwives and lactation consultants said it was a blessing but my nipples would not agree! On that last day we were lucky we had an incredible nurse, Farida, that got the lactation consultant to come and see us. She was wonderful! So we went home feeling ok about the whole thing. By the time we got home my milk still wasn't in yet so feeding was an excercise in pain and frustration. I will forever remember a moment that unfolded in our bedroom after we brought Callie home. Callie was frustrated with the amount of colostrum and wouldn't stop crying. And I totally fell apart. I had this feeling that I couldn't give her what she needed. My mom and my husband Bill were there and they both just held me and told me it was normal to struggle with this. So we decided to give her formula that night. For some reason I felt like that was a total defeat. Somehow I have gotten it into my head that formula = bad. I have no idea how or where this came from but I felt like a terrible mother when we gave her that formula. That night formula came streaming out of her nose and I felt like my initial instinct was right, that we had made a mistake by giving her formula. In the following weeks when my milk came in we still struggled. We would have a good feeding or even a good feeding day and I would think to myself, "Okay! We got this down!" and of course it would all fall apart. We are still constantly struggling with it. Now our struggle is with spitting up/throwing up after she eats. I want to be able to feel the connection with her when I feed her but it is so frustrating at times. I just so want to do the right thing and give her the best I can but sometimes the thought of formula is an attractive one! Maybe nursing will always be a struggle, who knows. As Bill and I have said so many times in the last 7 weeks: I didn't think this was going to be easy, but I certainly didn't think it would be this hard.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hi Maria,
ReplyDeleteI had similar struggles, so I understand what you're going through. Early on, Meredith would sometimes lose entire feedings all over the couch, and it was not only messy but scary. Once her stomach matured a little (I guess that was it -- the doctor didn't seem concerned), it got better. For a long time, I just struggled with placement and position. After a while (sorry, don't know how long; nature must purposely erase some of those early memories with all the sleep deprivation so that someday having more children might sound like a good idea), it gets more automatic and you both learn a routine. Keep calling on those resources of support to answer questions. You and Callie can do it!
You are lucky really! I tries to breast feed...didn't have enough (or rich enough) milk. Poor babies were starving! Then when Tere was born, I had to go back to the hospital. No breast feeding then! The last one stayed in the hospital for weeks before we got him home. Persevere! It's worth it for your baby's health.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the advice! I am going to keep going. I am trying to remind myself that most of our feedings are ok. Its the feedings at night when she is the poster girl for fussiness and I am exhausted. When I stopped to think about it last night, I realized I am alone with her for almost 12 hours and that would get to anyone I imagine. Bill certainly hasn't been alone with her for 12 hours! So of course I'm exhausted and depressed when things don't go smoothly. Maybe its time to work on not being such a perfectionist! Not sure how to go about that...
ReplyDelete