First Sleepover at Grandma's House

So tonight is the night. This is the night that I would have given my left arm for in the first few months of Callie's life. A night where our house was silent. And now? I am dreading it. It has absolutely nothing to do with my mom or her ability to care for Callie and love her so completely. I hope she doesn't take this personally. This is about me. Obviously, she knows what to do, she's raised 2 kids already! And she was the one we called on the first night home from the hospital when formula was shooting out of Callie's nose! She was the one who volunteered to help when I was descending into the darkness. She was the one that got puked on after Callie's first vaccinations. She is not the stereotypical grandma telling you "You know what you need to do is..." And I have really appreciated the fact that Bill and I have been able to navigate the triumphs and pitfalls of new parenting without too many slip ups.
I know they are going to have a great time. I just don't know how I am going to do. So, we decided to make a night of it, Bill and I are going to see Passion Pitt in Santa Cruz. Otherwise, I was afraid I would be sneaking outside my mom's house and peering in the window until one of her neighbors would call the police! I know she will be safe, warm, loved and entertained. I guess I just don't know how to be without her. Its one thing to go out on date night for an hour or two, but a whole night? A whole night knowing she isn't in the next room? A night where we aren't giving her a bath and hearing her giggle and splash and babble? A morning where I don't just tiptoe into her room and watch her sleeping and watch her slowly wake up until she recognizes me and smiles a smile that lights up so much that it could power a whole house?
But I know its the right thing for her to have these nights and for me too, I suppose. I want her to have a great relationship with her grandma. I still remember having sleepovers at my grandma's house. She would always have butterscotch pudding ready in the fridge for us. I want Callie to have that too. The fun times at grandma's house. A place where she can play and make cookies and chase the hens around the yard and laugh at Jack the dog.

I've brought it up in my mom's support group and with other mom friends and the response is the same from most of them. First their eyes widen and then they say something like "Ooooh. Yikes. I don't know if I could do that. Let me know how that goes." I certainly will. Hopefully the police won't be involved:)

Daycare Dilemmas

So I've started looking into the day care situation for when/if I go back to work in the fall. Unfortunately, I am up against the clock, since I have to inform the district by February 1st if I intend to take another year of child care leave. The plan was always for me to go back in the fall and teach 2 classes. But do I want to go back? An emphatic no. Which is kinda crazy. The last 7 months have become a roller coaster. After I had Callie, I really struggled with the adjustment and would have gone back to work in a heartbeat. But I just love the time I have with Callie. I love all the snuggles, the smiles, the laughs, the new things she does everyday. I hate to miss any of it.
But anyway, I started to look into daycares. I really love the Montessori model. I visited one this week in Almaden. The facilities weren't terribly updated but what they are doing is pretty impressive. They have really good ratios of teachers to kids and they offer half day day care rates, which is what we are looking at. I just didn't see the point of paying $1500 or more for care that we weren't really using. The location is called Tomorrow Montessori. Really the only drawback is the location, it is in the opposite direction for both Bill and I. They charge around $980 for infants for half day until they are 18 months when they go to the toddler room. They help with toilet training, take care of breakfast, snack and lunches. When they are 2 1/2 they move into the preschool rooms. It is a true interdisciplinary approach to learning. They are studying continents and in their study they examine geography, history, culture and food. The more I heard about the program the cooler it sounded. The socialization looked wonderful as well as the fact that each child's individuality is valued and built upon. The socialization aspect is what I wanted the most, since Callie will be almost a year and a half when August rolls around. We thought about having a nanny, but I think the socialization aspect is really important.
Yesterday evening I filled Bill in on the highlights on the school. And we started doing some loose calculations on how much money I would be making and asking ourselves if it was worth it financially. We estimated that I would be taking home around $1400 a month. Wrongo. I emailed our payroll guy at the District Office and it would be closer to $1800. So that was a nice surprise. The nice thing about it is it opens up the possibility for another Montessori school in sunnyvale that I had 86ed because of the price. So I will check it out on Tuesday.
Am I still torn about it, you bet. I didn't use to understand how women could be stay at home moms and be happy, but now I totally get it. I consider myself incredibly blessed that I was able to stay at home for Callie's first year. I know there are a lot of people that don't have that luxury.

Gettin' Crafty Part 2

So, while I was pregnant I assumed that I would feel crafty and do a bunch of sewing projects for Callie. So I bought all this cute bird fabric for a quilt for her. The idea of sewing seemed so unattractive for some reason.
Then the other day it hit me! Bill and I were talking about how excited I was for Callie's first Christmas. I told him that I was going to look on Etsy for a personalized stocking for her. Then he says:"You should make one for her." My first thought was, ugh. groan. Why would I do it when I can pay someone else to do it for me? Then I thought, it would be nice to tell Callie about how I made her stocking especially for her. And I thought of Bill's tattered stocking that his mom made him.
Ugh. Ok. So I started looking at a few websites about how to make a stocking. It looked simple enough. I know, I know. Famous last words. Since Bill was feeling crummy and Callie was a little fussy, I thought the best way for him to get some rest today was if we girls just left for a couple of hours. So we did. I wasn't going anywhere near any malls so we went to Beverly's Fabric just to get some ideas. I was thinking that finding some pre-quilted fabric would be a nice easy way to get the job done. Beverly's didn't really have any. So we went to Eddies in Sunnyvale. They had some beautiful fabric.

I like it, its not too overly cutesy, so I'm hoping she won't mind it when she is older. It is nice and thick so I won't even need to mess with interfacing. Or have to find coordinating fabric for the lining!

And then what did I spy with my little eye? A holiday sewing class! Perfect! I knew that would keep me on track, rather than this becoming another unfinished project pile. The class sounds great, its on a saturday (Dec 11) from 1-4 and you can choose from 4 projects, the stocking, an elf stocking (which has an exaggerated toe), a wine bag or a holiday fabric bowl. I got the supply list and started shopping with a purpose. The supply list called for white minky fabric for the cuff, but they didn't have any flat minky. And I really wanted to put Callie's name on her stocking. I was worried that if I did some iron on letters they wouldn't stick (that plan has since changed). The lady working there recommended flannel instead, so upstairs I went. They had some great print flannels so I ended up buying some cute fabric for a simply baby blanket for Callie which I churned out this evening! At last! Success! A sewing project completed for my girl!
I love the mermaids and the other side has seastars on it.

Back to the matter at hand...I found some flannel for Callie's stocking. I opted for the green flannel for the cuff and I've decided to make an applique of her name out of the white.

I think it will make for a really nice contrast. I'm thinking of doing a paper template of the applique first and just cutting it out before the class, so I have one less thing to worry about.
So that's my plan! If it goes really badly, I know that Callie won't really notice/know about christmas stockings, so really I have a whole year to get it done :)

Callie's 1st Thanksgiving

We had a wonderful day yesterday. We all got up and headed to Noah's for a bagel and since I had gotten 20 minutes in on the eliptical yesterday (not my usual 30, that is another post) I was going to treat myself to an eggnog latte. Oh how I love it when the eggnog reappears on the cafe menus! Bill was getting our bagels and I was next door at Peet's getting my latte, but it was not to be! So sad! They were out of eggnog! They kept calling "mara" to change my order, but of course I wasn't responding to it. So I had to wait 15 minutes to not get an eggnog latte. Oh well. Soy peppermint mocha it was instead.
After that we decided just to head over to grandma tere's house way early so we could visit with my mom and aunt patty before everyone else got there. I'm glad we did! Callie was so excited in the car over there. She was so happy to have the dog trapped next to her!

It was so fun just to relax and smell all those wonderful thanksgiving smells!

We went outside so Callie could hang out with the hens again. This was also Milo's first introduction to them. We weren't quite sure what he would do, and honestly, he was pretty confounded by them! At one point he did chase one of them, the black one and she managed to get her neck caught in the chicken wire! It was a little scary there for a minute until Grandma Tere came to the rescue and untangled the poor bird!
Callie meets her Great Aunt Patty
I'm ready for turkey! Well, maybe next year...

Soon everyone else got there...
Callie and her Uncle Dave
You're getting sleepy....
Callie did really with all the excitement. She even got a bowl of her very own sweet potatoes!

She didn't devour them the way she does with the more orangey yams, but she did well. We all, of course, ate too much and just wanted to crash. But it was such a great day. Most of the day I kept thinking about last year's thanksgiving, because that is when we told our families that we were having a little girl. From that day on I had fantasized about these wonderful family holidays, the familiar smells and feelings with a new human to share them with.
Unfortunately, I think Miss Callie got a little overwhelmed because she didn't go down to sleep as easily as she usually does. Poor Bill got a nasty cold this morning, so that has put a damper on the holiday spirit around here, but hopefully he will kick it to the curb soon.

Gettin' Crafty

Before I had Callie, I loved to craft. I was an avid quilter, sewer. I obviously haven't been able to do much in that department since before she was born. One day I was looking at her baby book and I really wasn't happy with it, it felt pretty restrictive. So I thought..."Hmm. You know what would be perfect would be a scrapbook."
I know, how very stereotypical stay at home mom. But whatever.
Soon my next thought was, "Ugh. That's a lot of work. If I try to do it myself I will never get it done. But if I enlist the help of others?" So I sent an email out to the madres. I was a little apprehensive about the email, because it seemed so stereotypical to be scrapbooking. But I really wanted to create something for Callie documenting her first year. I was so glad that a bunch of moms wanted to work on scrapbooks too! So we decided to meet once a month for a few hours at a time, a sort of moms night in. I went to the local scrapbook store and bought some papers and few other choice items. It was such a fun night! We opened some wine, had some yummy treats and chatted. In the book, I was handwriting things and the further along I got, the less happy I was with it. I wanted to be able to include big chunks of text, like about her birthday and her blessing ceremony and doing it by hand was going to take too long and wasn't looking very nice either. So I basically re-did all the pages I did at the scrapbook night, but I am so happy with it! I love how it is turning out! It became my nightly activity once I would put Callie down to sleep.
It feels great to be creating something. Here are some shots of a few of the pages.

Did You Hear What Happened to Charlotte King?

This was the title of last week's Private Practice. This episode was on one hand horrific but on the other a lightening rod for discussion. It has been rattling around in my head for days.
What does this have to do with Mama Drama? When I was pregnant with Callie, there was a horrible gang rape that happened to a student in Richmond. It affected me profoundly. Not just because I am a woman, but I was about to be a mother. It made the world for my unborn daughter that much scarier. I decided that I was glad I was having a girl. I would teach her to be strong and to fight, like I did. I feel incredibly blessed that I have been surrounded by strong women in my life. My mother especially. I went to an all girls school where I was encouraged to use my voice and cultivate my opinions not give in to anyone else's. I learned to shout.
Now that Callie is here I am even more determined to be stronger myself and to teach her strength and not give a shit about people that look down on strong women for not being ladylike and acting like a doormat. Fuck that.
In the episode, Charlotte is raped by a deranged mental patient (my beloved Nicholas Brendan. No longer will he be seen as the loveable doofus on Buffy!). She decided to keep the fact that she was raped a secret, so of course she doesn't report it. Rapes have been depicted in the media (tv, movies) before and typically I avoid those depictions because it is just too much for me. But I had a hunch that Shonda Rhimes depiction would be thought provoking. Charlotte is one of my favorite characters because she is so strong and doesn't take anyone's BS. Charlotte is guttural and will not allow herself to be seen as a victim. It was totally in line with Charlotte's character. When she is vulnerable she feels unsafe. She is in control most of the time. I do hope that over the rest of the season she decides to press charges. If she doesn't, it would obviously be realistic since so many rapes go unfiled. Over 60% of rapes in the united states go unreported. An even scarier statistic? 1 in 6 women will be raped in their lifetime. That is a truly frightening number. I even cringe at the word, rape. I hate that my students will say in passing "I got raped by that test." If they only knew what rape does. It destroys lives. It destroys a woman's self worth, their trust in men. And make no mistake it is about power. That is why I want to teach my daughter to have power and not let anyone take it away from her.
In recent months there have been at least 3 rapes on mainstream television. Gemma on Sons of Anarchy and someone on 90210. In all three, none of the characters reported the assault. I don't watch the other two shows, but I have also heard that the 3 characters have something else in common. They are strong women unafraid of their sexuality. Are they being punished for it? Is that the message the media is sending to strong women? Look out!
Is the media's role supposed to be one of depicting reality or what could be? I wish in this case television would use their power for good. There is one tv show that seems slightly more empowering, Law and Order SVU. They seem determined to show these women as survivors not victims.They rarely show the assault, but the resulting psychological harm and pain that is caused and the way they journey back to some semblence of their lives. I am torn about whether it is appropriate for television at all. On one hand it brings the issue into the light to show the world, hey look this is a huge problem and we need to talk about it. On the other, is it just too much?

Here is a quote from Charlotte on Private Practice. It will give you a sense of how heavy hitting this episode was:
"You ever been violated? Anybody rape you, lately? Let me tell you what it’s like. You know those made-for-tv movies where some woman is always crouched down naked in the shower, holding her knees and sobbing, ‘cause when she closes her eyes she can still feel the guy’s hands on her? How when they show the attack, the woman’s eyes go all blank and still, she goes to some other place in her mind just to deal with the horror of what’s happening to her, while some Lilith Fair song plays? It is nothing like that. It’s dirty and sweaty, and he licks your face, and he wipes himself off in your hair. And when you try to scream he punches you so hard you see God. And then he goes at you again…Raping stuff you didn’t even know you had, ‘cause he enjoyed it so much the first time. I know you’re trying to help, but if you helping me means that everyone is going to be looking at me like you’re looking at me now. Please, do not help me."

Thankfully after the episode ended, Charlotte gave a very good PSA about how to report assaults and where to go for help like RAINN. The actress that portrays her said that she met at length with rape survivors to make sure the experience was legitimate.



I pray to God or whatever is out there that my daughter will never have to experience this sort of terror or that those that she loves will experience it either. But I know it is out there. And it is not going away. But what I can do is help my daughter make good choices about the people she associates with, since most rapists are people the person knows.
I can shut my students down that use the word rape so causally.
Words have power, just as individuals do.
Shonda Rhimes, we are watching.

6 months and counting!

Callie hit her 6 month mark on Bill's birthday a couple of weeks ago. We are having so much fun! I finally feel like "this is what it is supposed to feel like." We are having fun together and I just can't wait to see what she does next. She is sitting up really well by herself. This is really nice because I can sit her up (with me behind her) and give her a toy to play with in front of her. That way I don't have to hold her all damn day.
We are kicking butt on the solids front. It was a REAL struggle at first. I was basically cramming food down her throat, until I decided to just stop and let her tell us when she was ready, because no one was happy. I was really frustrated and so was she. So on the day that I told myself I would just wait until she was ready, since she wasn't quite 6 months old anyway, she got ready! That night we were at Willow Glen Frozen Yogurt in Campbell escaping a particularly ugly Sharks game. Bill and I both were eating our frozen yogurt when she started following my spoon with her eyes and opening and closing her mouth like she wanted to eat! I obviously wasn't going to give her my yogurt, so we gave her the spoon to play with. She was really trying to eat, not just suck on the spoon. It was cutest thing, you could hear her two little teeth clicking against the underside of the spoon. So we hurried home and whipped up some rice cereal and she did amazingly! Its like zen and the art of parenting. Sometimes you just have to let someone else decide, sometimes the universe just knows what to do. We were practically squealing in the CG household we were so excited. For the rest of that week we did cereal and I noticed that if she just wasn't into it, sometimes if I just came back to it in 10-20 minutes it was a totally different story. After the cereal we did some pears and then some butternut squash. Now we are back to pears and I am hoping to whip up some sweet potatoes this week as well. We basically have it worked out now to feed her solid food when she wakes up from her late afternoon nap. There have been some other changes because of the solid food. Let's just say mama had to buy a candle for Callie's room:)
Let's see, what else...Halloween! We had a great time at the party. It was definitely more mellow than in previous years, but it was nice. We cleaned the house from top to bottom! Grandma Tere came over to watch Callie so we could get something done. We tried in the morning to just switch off, but at that rate we wouldn't have gotten much done! We decided as we cleaned each room to also organize and get things done that we had put off. This was mostly for the kitchen and Callie's room. Callie's room had piles of things we wanted to hang up and organize. We went through all of clothes and did a purge. We finally hung these adorable prints that Bill had ordered a while back.


It felt so good to get her room organized! The other room that was tough was the kitchen. For a couple of years we had a folding bookcase that we had used as a pantry. But there was a possibility that a few toddlers would be at the party so we wanted to have everything away, lest they discover a bag of rice to play with or something! So that took some doing, but the kitchen looks way better too. The party itself was really fun. It was nice to not cook 12 different things like I usually do. I did manage to make my veggie chili and I am glad I did too! We had leftovers for the next day or two. Sadly I didn't think to have someone take a picture of the three of us. Bill ressurected his Dude Costume, I went as dream sequence Maude and Callie was The Jesus. Pretty much everyone thought she was a pirate and I was just a viking/opera singer, but that's ok. We knew what we were! Callie was definitely perplexed by Bill's costume.

It was like she recognized his voice but knew he didn't look quite right.

Well that's it for now. I will try to blog more frequently. There is definitely a post swirling around in my head about going back to work.