Becoming Mother

As Mother's Day approaches on the calendar, I find myself reflecting on my continuing metamorphorsis into that big word, "mother." It doesn't seem to be a change that ever ends, just like my daughters. They are always changing even if you can't see it happen before your eyes. There are lots of little changes and revolutions that are happening under the surface and then one day you look up and it all seems different. Sometimes I have little moments where I look at myself and my life and go all Keanu and just say "Woah." Or Talking Heads and ask "How did I get here?" But it is a beautiful place. It just took me some time to embrace it. I had a difficult road to embracing that word, mother, but there is no where else I would rather be. There is no one else I would rather be.

And of course I think about my own mother. I am blessed that we are so close and have been for many years. But it took on a new intensity when I was able to share that name, mother, with her. I understand so much more about her and why she did the things she did and does. I used to remark to Bill when I got home from work (pre-kids) and I would exclaim "I don't know how my mom did it! She worked all day, took care of her kids and put dinner on the table and I can barely do it without kids!" But now I know how she did it. Because you just do. Because it is important. A simple thing like a family having dinner together can mean so much.
Some things feel/look like sacrifice when mothers do it, but there isn't really a resentment there because when it's for your kids it is important.  That's why you make the tough calls. That's why you say to yourself "No, I don't think I am going to hang out with that person. I don't want them around my kids." I am happy to be the bitch that says "Nobody treats my daughter like that." Beware of the mama bear. It lives it every single mother.
She used to always say "You are the best thing I've ever done." For years I didn't get it. And I knew it wasn't something I could ask her to explain. I would think to myself "She has done so many other things, how can this be the one thing she is most proud of?" But I get it. There is nothing else in your life that you pour more of yourself into than your children. And now I find myself thinking the same thing, that Callie and Lucia are hands down the most important work I have ever done. I used to define myself as my job, as a teacher. I still consider myself to be a teacher, my class size is just a little smaller now:) I couldn't imagine a time where I would actually choose to stay at home with my kids. But here I am and couldn't be happier.

There are times that you always need your mama. One thing I think about was the night we took Callie to the ER after she got bit by Milo. It was like I needed her to tell me what to do. I was going back and forth in my head "Do we need to go to the ER??" So I asked my mom and of course she said Yes. But I know now, that I already knew the answer. Advice is what you ask for, after all, when you already know the answer. Then she asked "Do you want me to come with you?" This time I gave the emphatic Yes! I know in retrospect that if she hadn't been there or even if Bill hadn't been there I would've known what to do, those instincts would have kicked in, but having her there to help me was so incredibly helpful.
Another moment I think about was when I was in labor with Callie and she came over to the house. At that point I had been in labor for close to 12 hours and I was at my lowest point. If there had been drugs I probably would have injected myself! She came over to check on me. I saw her and just wanted to collapse into her arms like I was a little girl again. Because let's face it, when we are giving birth we are at our strongest and our weakest. Crazy, unrelenting, mind numbing pain will do that to you. Sometimes you just need your mama to tell you that you can do it. Your doula can say it, your husband can say it, you doctor can say it, but when your mama says it, it's like money in the bank. Our mamas always know who we are at our core. They know how strong we are because they made us that way. 

What does it mean to be a mother? I'm still figuring it out everyday. I always think about a quote in The Crow, a weird movie to find inspirational ideas on motherhood but you can find inspiration in all kinds of places!  There is a scene when the main character tells a drug addicted mother "Mother is the word for God on the lips and hearts of little children." Anyone that has ever seen a panicked, hurt, sad or lonely child reach out and possibly scream  at the top of their little lungs for mama knows that quote rings so very true. They may say "dada" as their first word but nothing can compare to the moment when they finally say "mama" No one can heal us like our mama. A kiss here, a hug there, a song and some encouraging words and there's nothing we can't do. 

So a great big thank you to my mom and a happy mother's day to us all!