Going back

I found out last week that I got my 1 section of US History for next year. I am beyond excited! I think it will be the perfect balance. I will still get to be with Callie for most of the day and then teach 1 class during 6th period (1-2pm on most days), stay during 7th to grade papers and meet with kids and then go home. I won't have to work at all on Tuesdays.  I think it will be a nice break without being too overwhelming. I talked to my principal about the specifics the other day and found out I wouldn't have to be there for early wednesday morning collaborations and I would be sharing a classroom with my previous (and brief) student teacher and friend who usually coaches 6th and 7th period anyway. It was perfect! I know that it won't be perfect all the time, but I am excited to have something else in my day. I will get to reconnect to my love of history and teaching. I have definitely missed connecting to my students and my friends at work.
I only told work that I was interested after my mom decided to open an at home day care business. It was a total game changer for me. Here is someone that I trust COMPLETELY and without reservation with my daughter. I don't have to worry that she will be in unfamiliar surroundings or with strangers.
Here is her website if you are interested or if you have friends or family that are looking for childcare or tutoring services.

Can we still be friends?

Over the past couple of days I have been wondering to myself if people who are parents and people who are child free can REALLY remain friends over the long term. What sparked this questioning? What else? Facebook! I won't go too much into specifics but one of my friends had posted about trying to reconnect with an old friend and all she wanted to talk about was her kid. It bothered me more than I expected it to. I think maybe the subsequent responses bothered me more than anything. Most of them were choruses of "Ya! Gimme a break! Talk about your cat all day, but kids? No thanks!" Or even more upsetting were the moms that said they just don't talk about their kids to people who don't have kids. That seemed really sad to me. That is a HUUUUUGE part of your life and who you are and you won't share it? I'm not saying proselytize, but you can't cut that part off of your identity.
I spent most of the day thinking about it and of course I had to respond:) I was proud of myself that I didn't just react and say "Wow. Baby haters." This is what I said: "It's tough when you can't relate, but kids take up a LOT of our time, if you do it right, that is ! whether it's a job, hobby or something else that consumes a great deal of your time, energy, sweat and love that's what you talk about, right? Hope you can find somewhere in between to connect!"
To some extent, motherhood or parenthood in general is all encompassing. There are no sick days, no lunch breaks, no paycheck so sometimes we just need to share our day. Because isn't that what you do with friends? Sometimes we just need to vent. I have tried not to vent to my friends that don't have kids. Because I have been on the other side of that and what do you say? "Sorry, hope it gets better soon?" There is no frame of reference. 
So it made me wonder.  Can the two groups stay friends? Or do we just go through the motions? And is it a gender thing? Do men drop friends because they have kids? Or is it just women? Is it about competition or betrayal?
I totally understand why moms suddenly drop their child free friends and just hang out with other moms. Sometimes it is just easier. We all have the same frame of reference and you don't have to worry that you are talking too much about your kid or how frustrated you are. It is helpful to get ideas and sympathy from someone who has been in the trenches. I have noticed that it has been some of my non kid friends that got upset when they would ask "So do you love every minute of being a mom?" and I would respond, "No." In my defense, they always seemed to ask on a particularly bad day. But who loves every minute of anything? Job, husband, house, whatever. We all have times when we would rather not deal with it.
But diversity is important too. Our group of friends is fairly diverse and I think that has always been a strength. We have friends that grew up privileged and those that didn't. Teachers, engineers and a lot in between. 
I have tried to stay in contact with my friends from before Callie (BC). But it is hard. They work all day. By the time they are done with work, we are trying to finish up our day too and its right about the time that Callie becomes psycho and its hard to find time to connect. I have had to do a lot of my connecting on facebook and through email. I tried to visit work every couple of weeks to say hi and maybe remind them that we haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Because I have seen first hadn how one of our friends at work went on maternity leave and it was out of sight out of mind. 
Sometimes it felt very one sided and isolating. We didn't get many invites to get togethers, drinks or dinners. I'm sure they thought we had too much going on or it would be too hard for us to get out of the house. But it would have been nice to be asked. 
There were exceptions of course. Our best friends kept us in the loop and that's why they are our best friends! 


But is it just delaying the inevitable? Will they resent me for talking about Callie? Will I resent them for not asking?
Maybe it just depends on the friendship. Maybe the distance between kids and no kids is just exacerbating the distance that was already there in the first place. What's the answer? I have no idea. But I sure as hell am not going to cut off a big part of who I am to make someone feel more comfortable.  It would be like not talking about your job if that is something you love and is important to you. Or a spouse. Or a vacation. Or anything else that you care about. It just seems odd to leave it out.
Am I going to talk about diapers ? No way! And I think that topic is the one that scares a lot of child free people. 
Am I going to try to lecture them on why they should have kids? Hell no. I was one of them at one point, saying, "Nope. No kids. No thanks." Having Callie has been amazing, incredible and crazy all at the same time. It is not for everyone, that is for sure!
It definitely is interesting because I feel like I have occupied both sides of the issue. I have been dropped because I didn't have kids and I have been dropped because I do have kids. 
So what do you do? Just be yourself I guess and whoever sticks around are the ones you keep forever.

She Is Beautiful 10K

The Diaper Vipers participated in the She Is Beautiful 10K in Santa Cruz today. We arrived a little early so we could pick up our bibs and hang out with the girls and our families before we took off.  One of the dads took all of the pictures you will see here. Some very nice shots! Thanks Aaron and Priscilla for the pictures!

Getting Ready To Go!

The gang's all here!

Callie just hung out while Mama busted her butt!

Callie trying to figure out her shadow!

Fran and I crossing the finish line to our cheering squad!

All done!

It was a gorgeous day ! A really beautiful walk along west cliff drive in SC. Our time was much better this time! We finished 6.1 miles in 1 hour 40 minutes. Not too shabby! When we started my shins felt like they were on fire but I pushed through and just kept drinking my water. And on the note of hydration, thank goodness I brought my camelbak because the whole water situation at the race was pretty bad. As in...they were out of water when we were walking back! After about mile 1.5, my shins felt fine. I stretched out my hips a lot more this time before we started and it worked! No hip pain. So I will need to work on some stretches for my shins.

But I am really happy with our time. I just hope I can stay on that timing for our half marathon! We will find out in two weeks when we do the See Jane Run Half Marathon in Alameda on June 5th. But  that will have to wait. Tomorrow I get a pedicure for my poor thrashed feet! Can't wait! I haven't had one since... oh...hmmm...oh ya, since before Callie was born!! I'm way overdue I'd say...

First Trip To Happy Hollow

Callie and I had our first trip together to Happy Hollow yesterday. We went with another mom/baby friend. I was a beautiful day! Perfect weather. I used to go there all the time when I was a little girl and it was amazing how, even though the park has been remodeled, the memories came flooding back.

Callie Meets The Goats

Like when we saw the goats! I remembered all the times I would feed the goats and an instance where my brother had a not so nice meeting with some goats. I will leave it at that. Callie seemed to think they were a bit like big dogs. She kept petting them the way she pets Milo. One of them licked her arm and she didn't care too much for that! 
We took a ride on Danny the Dragon which she loved! I was afraid she might get scared in the tunnel, but she did just fine.

First ride on Danny the Dragon

The carousel....not so much.

On the carousel before the freak out

She was good at first but when she started going up and down I think it was messing with her equilibrium a bit. I kept trying to play it up and cheering and saying Weeeee! But no. My little miss was not having it. She was squirming trying to get to me, so I took her out of the belt and we just stood on the carousel until the end of the ride. The funny thing was that whenever she could see the carousel for the rest of the day she would point at it and squeal like she wanted to go on it again.

After we were done with the carousel we walked around and saw some animals. She liked the tortoise. She started racing him! Guess who won? She would run ahead of him and then stop to look back at his progress. Repeat 4 more times. Eventually she gave up.

Racing the Tortoise

Then we found the sand pit! It just kills me how much this girl loves brooms. She was so happy!

What a mess! This is going to take forever!

It was at this point in the day that our friends had to take off. Callie was still doing ok so we wandered around a bit and saw some more animals. I must admit some of the enclosures don't really seem adequate for the bigger animals, like the jaguar. We kept walking until I noticed a cut out of a bumble bee. La de da...Next sign. The Bee Barn. Nope, absolutely not. There were huge bee hives. I have learned from previous experiences and I was not going to tempt fate! No need to experiment with my epi pen today! So we turned around and high tailed it out of there. I had wondered why it didn't seem like there were many bees buzzing around such a big park. Now I know! 

We wandered into the gift shop hoping to find something for dada, but nothing really jumped out at me. But I definitely think when she gets older she will need a Danny the Dragon tshirt:) 

Wanna See How Tough Your Partnership Is? Have a Baby !

I've still been on a reflecting kick, thinking about the past year. It has definitely been the toughest year that Bill and I have had to weather. We've never really been the fighting type. We are definitely the talk it out kind of couple. And it has served us well in the past. Usually when an issue comes up we talk about it, if not immediately, then not too much later, so things don't fester.

When you have a baby, however, that is just a luxury you don't have automatically. Finding the time (and that is what you have to do, find it) to talk things out is tough. I could probably tick off the total amount of fights we have had as a couple on both hands. The real kicker? I would say half of them have occurred in the past year. And we've been together for 13 years. That should tell you something right there. I know a great deal of the disconnect occurred because we have been in very different places over the course of the past year.
When we first brought Callie home, we were in it together, for the most part. We were both home, sleep deprived and taking care of Callie first and foremost. As the weeks passed and Bill returned to work, things changed. Bill got to go back to work. And that was exactly how I saw it  got to go. Now of course, work isn't a picnic for Bill. In fact, this was probably the most stressed he has ever been. Getting up and going to work knowing full well his wife was going to be a mess and calling or texting at some point in the day asking for help, not having enough sleep to fully function at work or home, coming home to his wife practically throwing his daughter in his face when he has had to drive an hour+ to get home in the first place. Of course, I didn't see it this way at all at the time :) The way I saw it, he got to escape. He got to go to a place where people communicated without screaming at you, you got to go to the bathroom by yourself, you could close your door and get a break, you don't have people biting, pinching, scratching, grabbing you. No such thing for me. As the summer passed, I saw my friends, one by one ramp up to go back to the next school year. They will probably never know how much I envied them. But as the weeks passed and Callie got to be about 8, 9 weeks. Things started to look up. She started smiling and interacting more. As the months passed, I didn't envy my work friends anymore. I certainly didn't miss the workload of grading papers! I found Las Madres and the Adjustment to Motherhood Group at Harmony and things with Bill improved dramatically. And I don't think I am exaggerating the connection between LM and my sanity level.
There have been times when Bill and I have not made the time to talk. We were like 2 estranged roomates, strategically avoiding the other because we each resented the other for different reasons. I started to get scared that we were really going to fall apart. I started making contingency plans. Where would I live if we split up? What would I do for money? Of course I would hope that if that did happen, that Bill wouldn't screw me over financially, but over the course of being a las madres member for less than a year there have been 3 instances of moms emailing the group because their husband had left them with a baby and nothing else. No car, no credit cards, no money. Nada. Of course your first thought is always "My husband would never do that to me!" But then you start thinking, well these women probably thought the same thing! So I got scared. I decided to go back to work part time, because if something happened in the middle of the school year I would be SOL. So I emailed my principal and told her if there were any extra sections of US History I was her girl. Overreacting? Yes. Overplanning? Yes. But the bottom line was that I felt vulnerable and that is not a place I felt comfortable. 
Eventually, we finally met in the middle and talked it out. It got heated, to be sure, because things had been festering. But in the end, we both felt heard and seen. The seen bit was the biggest for me. Motherhood in many ways, makes you invisible. I felt invisible as a person separate from Callie. There were times when I felt like I didn't get to be a wife anymore and it was hard to be seen (from my perspective) simply as a  vessel, a house keeper, a cook, a nanny. And talking it out helped Bill to see just how nuts my days were with a crazed infant who hates to sleep and is in motion all the time.  And I got to see things from his perspective too. This is and will remain a work in progress. That is the nature of partnership and marriage in general.
The key seems to be to really FIND that time to sit down and talk, even if it is just about your day. And if your day is filled with diapers, spit up and various other bodily functions that needs to be ok and respected. Because at the end of the day all any of us wants is respect and love. Another key is to have some alone time, where you can, even if just for an hour or two to feel like a partnership again, not just parents. Date night has been so crucial for us to relax and to be us again. We are very lucky that my mom and other friends have been so giving with their time to watch Callie for us. I know not everyone has that luxury and we are truly blessed.

New Obsession:)

 For those of you who haven't been paying attention on facebook, I have a new obsession. Walking marathons! I did the Avon 2 day walk a few years ago and it was an incredible, life changing experience. But it also left me with hip problems for a better part of a year and a half. So I didn't want to do a marathon and a half again. But I wanted to do something physical. This year, I told myself, was the year to get strong and accomplish physical feats. Part of it was having Callie because the birth process was so difficult and very physical. Another piece of it was losing a good friend a few months ago, completely out of the blue. So no more putting stuff off! Life is too short for "someday." I had been thinking to myself, "I'd like to do something like Avon again, but I don't want to do something that long or deal with the fundraising aspect." A madre sent out an email about the Nike Women's Marathon in October. I signed up for the lottery with some friends, but sadly we didn't make it. But that wasn't going to stop me! Over the course of the next couple of weeks I was signed up for a 5k in Big Sur (the next week!), a half marathon in June in Alameda, a 10K in Santa Cruz, a half marathon in August in Santa Rosa, a half in July in Los Gatos, a half in October in wine country and a half at disneyland in January. It feels soo good to have a concrete goal to work towards in regards to my fitness. I am definitely trimming down and getting stronger. It has become easier to get my butt outside and on the track or on the trails.

Big Sur 5K
I did the Big Sur 5K on Sunday. It was awesome!! What a beautiful day! It was craaaaazy cold when we started the race. I told myself that I might just run afterall just to get warm! But luckily it warmed up enough while we walked. I feel incredibly blessed to have shared the walk with my good friend Fran and our families. My mom, hubby and daughter were there to cheer me on as were Fran's hubby and daughter.

Grandma and Callie braving the cold to cheer me on!

It was a nice walk, right along the beach. Our time ended up being a 17 minute mile pace.

My bib and times

I definitely am shooting for a 15 minute mile because some of the half marathons have a time limit of 3 1/2 -4 hours for 13.1 miles. I can tell my hip is still going to be an issue, given that I could feel some tightness by the end of the 3 miles, so I will have to do some research on that. But anyway, it was an awesome day. Since it was still so early we got to spend a nice day in Monterey as well.

daddy time at the beach!

 

 

We took Callie to the beach and to Ghiradelli. It felt strange to be so exhausted so early in the day!

Such a goofy girl!

I find myself already getting excited for the next one on May 22nd in Santa Cruz! Bring it on!