I've still been on a reflecting kick, thinking about the past year. It has definitely been the toughest year that Bill and I have had to weather. We've never really been the fighting type. We are definitely the talk it out kind of couple. And it has served us well in the past. Usually when an issue comes up we talk about it, if not immediately, then not too much later, so things don't fester.
When you have a baby, however, that is just a luxury you don't have automatically. Finding the time (and that is what you have to do, find it) to talk things out is tough. I could probably tick off the total amount of fights we have had as a couple on both hands. The real kicker? I would say half of them have occurred in the past year. And we've been together for 13 years. That should tell you something right there. I know a great deal of the disconnect occurred because we have been in very different places over the course of the past year.
When we first brought Callie home, we were in it together, for the most part. We were both home, sleep deprived and taking care of Callie first and foremost. As the weeks passed and Bill returned to work, things changed. Bill got to go back to work. And that was exactly how I saw it got to go. Now of course, work isn't a picnic for Bill. In fact, this was probably the most stressed he has ever been. Getting up and going to work knowing full well his wife was going to be a mess and calling or texting at some point in the day asking for help, not having enough sleep to fully function at work or home, coming home to his wife practically throwing his daughter in his face when he has had to drive an hour+ to get home in the first place. Of course, I didn't see it this way at all at the time :) The way I saw it, he got to escape. He got to go to a place where people communicated without screaming at you, you got to go to the bathroom by yourself, you could close your door and get a break, you don't have people biting, pinching, scratching, grabbing you. No such thing for me. As the summer passed, I saw my friends, one by one ramp up to go back to the next school year. They will probably never know how much I envied them. But as the weeks passed and Callie got to be about 8, 9 weeks. Things started to look up. She started smiling and interacting more. As the months passed, I didn't envy my work friends anymore. I certainly didn't miss the workload of grading papers! I found Las Madres and the Adjustment to Motherhood Group at Harmony and things with Bill improved dramatically. And I don't think I am exaggerating the connection between LM and my sanity level.
There have been times when Bill and I have not made the time to talk. We were like 2 estranged roomates, strategically avoiding the other because we each resented the other for different reasons. I started to get scared that we were really going to fall apart. I started making contingency plans. Where would I live if we split up? What would I do for money? Of course I would hope that if that did happen, that Bill wouldn't screw me over financially, but over the course of being a las madres member for less than a year there have been 3 instances of moms emailing the group because their husband had left them with a baby and nothing else. No car, no credit cards, no money. Nada. Of course your first thought is always "My husband would never do that to me!" But then you start thinking, well these women probably thought the same thing! So I got scared. I decided to go back to work part time, because if something happened in the middle of the school year I would be SOL. So I emailed my principal and told her if there were any extra sections of US History I was her girl. Overreacting? Yes. Overplanning? Yes. But the bottom line was that I felt vulnerable and that is not a place I felt comfortable.
Eventually, we finally met in the middle and talked it out. It got heated, to be sure, because things had been festering. But in the end, we both felt heard and seen. The seen bit was the biggest for me. Motherhood in many ways, makes you invisible. I felt invisible as a person separate from Callie. There were times when I felt like I didn't get to be a wife anymore and it was hard to be seen (from my perspective) simply as a vessel, a house keeper, a cook, a nanny. And talking it out helped Bill to see just how nuts my days were with a crazed infant who hates to sleep and is in motion all the time. And I got to see things from his perspective too. This is and will remain a work in progress. That is the nature of partnership and marriage in general.
The key seems to be to really FIND that time to sit down and talk, even if it is just about your day. And if your day is filled with diapers, spit up and various other bodily functions that needs to be ok and respected. Because at the end of the day all any of us wants is respect and love. Another key is to have some alone time, where you can, even if just for an hour or two to feel like a partnership again, not just parents. Date night has been so crucial for us to relax and to be us again. We are very lucky that my mom and other friends have been so giving with their time to watch Callie for us. I know not everyone has that luxury and we are truly blessed.
No comments:
Post a Comment