Over the past couple of days I have been wondering to myself if people who are parents and people who are child free can REALLY remain friends over the long term. What sparked this questioning? What else? Facebook! I won't go too much into specifics but one of my friends had posted about trying to reconnect with an old friend and all she wanted to talk about was her kid. It bothered me more than I expected it to. I think maybe the subsequent responses bothered me more than anything. Most of them were choruses of "Ya! Gimme a break! Talk about your cat all day, but kids? No thanks!" Or even more upsetting were the moms that said they just don't talk about their kids to people who don't have kids. That seemed really sad to me. That is a HUUUUUGE part of your life and who you are and you won't share it? I'm not saying proselytize, but you can't cut that part off of your identity.
I spent most of the day thinking about it and of course I had to respond:) I was proud of myself that I didn't just react and say "Wow. Baby haters." This is what I said: "It's tough when you can't relate, but kids take up a LOT of our time, if you do it right, that is ! whether it's a job, hobby or something else that consumes a great deal of your time, energy, sweat and love that's what you talk about, right? Hope you can find somewhere in between to connect!"
To some extent, motherhood or parenthood in general is all encompassing. There are no sick days, no lunch breaks, no paycheck so sometimes we just need to share our day. Because isn't that what you do with friends? Sometimes we just need to vent. I have tried not to vent to my friends that don't have kids. Because I have been on the other side of that and what do you say? "Sorry, hope it gets better soon?" There is no frame of reference.
So it made me wonder. Can the two groups stay friends? Or do we just go through the motions? And is it a gender thing? Do men drop friends because they have kids? Or is it just women? Is it about competition or betrayal?
I totally understand why moms suddenly drop their child free friends and just hang out with other moms. Sometimes it is just easier. We all have the same frame of reference and you don't have to worry that you are talking too much about your kid or how frustrated you are. It is helpful to get ideas and sympathy from someone who has been in the trenches. I have noticed that it has been some of my non kid friends that got upset when they would ask "So do you love every minute of being a mom?" and I would respond, "No." In my defense, they always seemed to ask on a particularly bad day. But who loves every minute of anything? Job, husband, house, whatever. We all have times when we would rather not deal with it.
But diversity is important too. Our group of friends is fairly diverse and I think that has always been a strength. We have friends that grew up privileged and those that didn't. Teachers, engineers and a lot in between.
I have tried to stay in contact with my friends from before Callie (BC). But it is hard. They work all day. By the time they are done with work, we are trying to finish up our day too and its right about the time that Callie becomes psycho and its hard to find time to connect. I have had to do a lot of my connecting on facebook and through email. I tried to visit work every couple of weeks to say hi and maybe remind them that we haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Because I have seen first hadn how one of our friends at work went on maternity leave and it was out of sight out of mind.
Sometimes it felt very one sided and isolating. We didn't get many invites to get togethers, drinks or dinners. I'm sure they thought we had too much going on or it would be too hard for us to get out of the house. But it would have been nice to be asked.
There were exceptions of course. Our best friends kept us in the loop and that's why they are our best friends!
But is it just delaying the inevitable? Will they resent me for talking about Callie? Will I resent them for not asking?
Maybe it just depends on the friendship. Maybe the distance between kids and no kids is just exacerbating the distance that was already there in the first place. What's the answer? I have no idea. But I sure as hell am not going to cut off a big part of who I am to make someone feel more comfortable. It would be like not talking about your job if that is something you love and is important to you. Or a spouse. Or a vacation. Or anything else that you care about. It just seems odd to leave it out.
Am I going to talk about diapers ? No way! And I think that topic is the one that scares a lot of child free people.
Am I going to try to lecture them on why they should have kids? Hell no. I was one of them at one point, saying, "Nope. No kids. No thanks." Having Callie has been amazing, incredible and crazy all at the same time. It is not for everyone, that is for sure!
It definitely is interesting because I feel like I have occupied both sides of the issue. I have been dropped because I didn't have kids and I have been dropped because I do have kids.
So what do you do? Just be yourself I guess and whoever sticks around are the ones you keep forever.
Maria - please don't drop me as a friend. Seriously, I know exactly what you are going through. I lost almost all of my friends when I had my son at age 23. My friends couldn't relate to what I was going through and weren't interested in spending any time with him. They didn't even invite me to hang out, even when I insisted that I could get a night off of "parent duty" to join them for drinks or dinner. I think it was mostly that it required planning to include me in things and that's an age where you don't plan much. You will discover (as I did) that your true friends will remain your true friends. As for you and I staying connected, we're thinking of having a very small barbecue tomorrow - are you guys available?
ReplyDeleteOh....one more thing....for the record, I DO enjoy every minute of being with my husband :)
I think you hit on the most important point already. It depends on the friendship. Are there ways that you can be friends without talking about your child? Sure. I have a lot of friends that are child free by choice and don't want to hear about kids. I always felt if they were honest with their friends who had kids that they would rather not talk about it, it was fine. But if they got annoyed and bitched that their friends only talked about their kids, that's just bad friendship. Having kids, like you said, is a 24-hour job. You should be able to talk about it. You should also know who is a good enough friend who you can talk about it with. I also think it is important for you, as a person, to be able to hang out with friends and be treated as a person, not just a person with kids. Just my (at least) two cents.
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