Today I went to my first what is called Mother's Support Group, but really it is a Post Partum Depression Group. So I am forced to finally face some facts. I have post partum depression. I have the baby blues, whatever you want to call it. There I said it. Nothing horrible happened. In fact, some really great things happened today. I was with other women saying the exact things I had been feeling at various times since we brought Callie home. I decided to go when the facilitator put these questions in her email and the brochure: "Everyone else is a better mother than me." "Maybe I'm just not cut out for this job." "Why can't I stop feeling guilty?" "What made me think I could do this?" "What is wrong withe me? Why don't I love every moment of being a mom when I feel like I'm supposed to." In my head I said " Check." "Check." "Check."
And honestly, I think a lot of the feelings that we are all struggling with are a byproduct of the way the family structure and child bearing has evolved in the United States. We are very isolated. It is rare when mothers are honest about how hard it is and how shitty it can feel, how you can long for just a quiet moment, or long for your old life back.
I knew I had to go to this group after yesterday. Yesterday was yet another dark day. She was a mess and I was angry. I yelled, I cried. Repeat. Rinse.
But I am so blessed to have an amazing husband who always seems to know when I need a break and I never have to say it out loud. I never have to say the words : "I need help." Because to me, saying those words out loud equate with failure. But I got to say those words today in a safe environment. I cried in front of strangers because it was safe and they all had been in the place where I am.
Other people like to tell me "It will get easier." But I don't think it does. I think the target moves constantly. I think maybe "It will get easier" is a way to tell new mothers that they felt the same guilt and shame that I am experiencing without saying "Ya, sometimes being a mom sucks."
Part of me shuddered a little when the facilitator wrote on my form: group therapy Post Partum Depression. I wanted to avoid it and say no: that's not me. I don't get depressed. I am an even keeled person. But then I stopped and accepted the words. Am I freak of nature? No. I am just struggling with a severe life change. I have this life form that needs me 24 hours a day. I do not have a job outside of that. In truth, nothing can really prepare you for having a baby. You can take the classes and read the books, but you have to walk the walk. I know that a lot of it has to do with hormones, exhaustion. Cause really, lets face it, I'm on my own with this baby for 12-14 hours a day. Is there anyone that you could being with for 12-14 hours a day without getting a little snippy? No. So I choose not to be ashamed. I choose to say, yes this is something that I am struggling with and I am finding support so that my family can be happy and healthy. Including me.
Good for you sweets. I'm so proud of you! And yes it really does get easier in many ways. I think kids will always be our biggest source of joy and biggest challenge! Also, many of us moms have forgotten so many of those earlier struggles. It all becomes a blur of sorts. When I sit and think about how dramatic Sasha was as a baby, I almost just don't even want to think about it. Maybe we supress some of those memories for our own sanity. Whenever something triggers a painful memory, Dave and I say out loud, "OH GOD, glad that is over" as we quiver. I think it is natures design to forget or supress. Thanks Goodness! We all have our own path to walk and I have no doubt you two will come out on top! You are an awesome Mama and a beautiful woman!! I'm also very proud of Bill, you two make a great team! I remember wanting to strangle Dave on most days! LOL Sending you love. Oh, we will be up North for Jordan's 1st b-day the weekend of October 2, we hope you all can make it to her party. I will send an invite when I get to that stage! xoxo
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