Tuesday was a big day. Callie and I had a great day. It wasn't just a "I survived the day" kind of day. I really enjoyed being with her. I think I finally got my head around what I had been doing. I had been trying to fit her into my life when I should have been doing the opposite. It made me think of some very good family friends who when they got pregnant said "This baby isn't going to change our way of life. We are having a baby to complement our lifestyle not to change it." I'm sure all the people they said it to that already had kids chuckled internally. Obviously your life does change, radically. Although I never said a statement like they did, I was living it. I was getting mad when she wasn't happy about what I needed to do.
Tuesday we also went to our PPD group and ran an errand with no meltdown! I also have been wrapping my head around an idea that a good friend told me a couple of weeks ago:"We don't have to attend to every cry." What an idea! I was always running back in when she started crying and I was just getting more frustrated. So on Tuesday, she was fed, clean and safely in her co-sleeper while I started to eat lunch. Of course, the moment my fork touched my food she started to wail. I said outloud, " I know, you're lonely. I am going to take 3 minutes and eat my lunch and then I will come and get you." And I did. And she was fine and I was fine.
I am paying a lot closer attention to my blood sugar, eating every couple of hours. I was basically running on fumes before. I was eating breakfast when she got up around 8, eating lunch around 2-3 and eating dinner around 7-8. So no wonder I was cranky! I was starving myself. I am definitely coming to grips with the idea that I need to refill my cup before I can take care of her. After I went in to check on her, I thought she might be hungry again so I tried to feed her but she ended up just falling asleep on me and it was beautiful. I had a million things I could have been doing but I decided to stay with her. And it was in that moment looking at her, seeing her fingers curled up on my chest that I think I finally understood that word Mother, that it does mean sacrifice and being selfless. I had been telling myself I didn't have to sacrifice but that just isn't true. It made me think of this quote from one of my favorite movies: "Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children. Do you understand?" Now I do.
I remember (a few months ago) peeing while Tru breastfed (can you picture this). Eventually had he had to wait 3 mins. He's OK too. His crying still grabs me, it's supposed too. But he's got to work out his own issues sometimes. He needs to let steam off we've realized. And he totally conks out after too (when he cries a bit at naptime.)
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